I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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