Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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