just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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