I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
