peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
