she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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