Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
