They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
this is an emotional support booty call
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
