Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dicks are not precious.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
