My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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