Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
