I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
