the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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