my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
