I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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