mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
