Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
