Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
