Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
