Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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