Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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