I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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