i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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