Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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