so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I got inside last night via doggy door
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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