I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
