the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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