I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He felt like a one man threesome
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
