You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I am one with the molecules
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
