i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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