i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
