And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Randomize
