I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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