Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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