I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
