He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
