my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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