Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
