Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
