Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
