Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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