I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
