is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
