i may or may not be watching the land before time
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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