Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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