everyone is single if you try hard enough
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
