Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
