Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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