nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
