and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
