You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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