getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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