Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
